I'm not going back there

My name is Selina, and I used to be fat. Not to the point of being stared at by people passing in the street, but I was heading there. I'm not sure how much I weighed at my heaviest, but at a guess I'd say somewhere between 105 and 110kg and a size 20-22. On my 165cm frame, that was not good.

January 2010

December 2011

As you can see, I was not at a healthy weight. I knew it of course, but I ignored it. I had young children to keep me busy. I avoided looking in mirrors. And photos. And clothes shopping. I ignored the fact that it was a struggle for me to get up from sitting on the floor and that I got breathless from a short walk. Eating bad food was a habit. It was my 'reward' after a long day of being a mum and keeping house.

I had a few failed attempts at losing weight. I'd start for a day or two, then fall back into my old habits. Sometimes I'd think I had it - I even lost 15kg over a few months, but then put it all back on again and then some.

But then, in January 2012 something clicked. I couldn't tell you what it was that made me make the change because it wasn't one defining moment of clarity. One day, on January 23rd 2012, I weighed myself and recorded it and that, I decided, was my starting weight. I was 102kg exactly.

From there, I cut all junk food out of diet, except chocolate. I guess this was my way of weaning off everything else, because my diet had been shocking. Take away many times a week. A block of chocolate a night. Several packets of tim tams, an entire large tub of pringles or bag of doritos were not unusual. My mantra in the early days was that I could eat anything as long as it wasn't junk food, because anything was better than I had been eating.

I also started exercising every day. Previously I had been doing nothing at all. I started going on our exercise bike after the kids had gone to bed. All I could manage in the early days was 10 minutes, and I would be absolutely drenched in sweat! I would also go for walks pushing my two kids in the pram, even if it was just 15 minutes.

That is where I started. But from there, gradually, slowly but surely, the weight came off, I got fitter, and my eating became healthier and healthier. By December 2012, I got down to under 65kg and got to wear a fabulous dress to my husband's work dinner - something that had been in my mind as a goal from the very beginning.

December 2012

The compliments I have received all year long have been amazing. To be told I'm an inspiration has been very humbling. I now know how it feels to be healthy, to have energy, and to once again feel good about the way I look. In some ways, I felt like I had come to the end of my 'journey'.

Silly me.

Because then Christmas came, New Years came... and before I knew it, the bad habits were creeping back in, I had gone three weeks without exercising and woke up one day to discover I weighed 70kg. I had gained about 6kg in a month. What a slap in the face that was. I spent a few days very angry at myself, very upset at myself, and for no logical reason, kept on with the crappy eating.

But no more. I'm not going back there! I am not going back to being over 100kg with no energy filling my body with junk food. It's not fair on me or my family - especially the kids. They deserve a mum who looks after herself.

So, here I am, taking responsibility for my actions, and taking charge of my life once again. This 'journey' (yes, I know we all hate that word) will neve be over, because a journey indicates there will be an end. This will never end, because this is my life! The healthy eating, the exercise, the constant checking in on myself - that is part of my life, because I want to be healthy.

I have started this blog as a way to keep myself on track. To start with, I am going to use it as a food and exercise diary for one month to get myself back into good habits. After that, who knows... but I'm sure I will often need to come back and revisit it. Like I said, this is for life. This is my life.