The problem. The solution. (Part 1)

The problem:

I don't want to be one of those people who is constantly obsessing about their weight. About what they eat. About their exercise. There is so much more to life... But unfortunately, whenever I stop thinking about it, I fall back into old habits. Once again I have been mindlessly eating, eating for comfort, eating to self-sabotage, eating to the point of feeling sick - which is how I feel right now. Sick. I have a junk food hangover, the runs, I feel sick in the stomach, can taste what I had for tea last night (not in a good way), my lips are dry and I feel all jittery, still hyped up on the ridiculous amounts of sugar.

Obviously, I have some issues to work through. I wish it was as simple as I lose the weight and it stays off - but instead it seems to be getting more complicated. I originally started this blog as a way to work out a way to sustain my weight loss - I'd lost 35kg+, but was having trouble keeping it off because I had fallen back into old habits. Now I'm there again.

I weighed myself this morning - 68.5kg. I've gained 6.5kg over the last month basically. I'm not surprised either with the binge eating I've been doing. What is wrong with me? It really is that I am basically just eating crappy food to the point of feeling sick. Every. Single. Day.

It's all emotional. It's all about my mindset. I have not been coping so well with the whole mum thing recently. The little miss is such a handful - nothing is simple or easy with her. Sleep is hard. Eating is hard. Getting her dressed is hard. Changing her nappy is hard. Leaving the house is hard. Getting her in the car is hard. Getting her to leave somewhere is hard. I'm just so over the screaming.

The little man is not quite as easy as he usually is either - he never wants to leave the house, or eat anything I put in front of him, he asks to watch movies all day long, and he has the a way of making me feel so terribly guilty whenever I tell him off (think of the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes you've ever seen and times it by about ten).

I'm just not coping. The TV is on too much and I am just not living up to my own expectations as a mum. I'm usually so patient, but I'm just not at the moment because I'm already feeling so crappy about myself. Then if I do tell the kids off or raise my voice I feel even crappier and worse about myself... and so the cycle continues.

And that's just the mum thing. I feel lost because hubby and I were sort of TTC without any luck, and now we're not. Which is probably just as well because I'm not coping with two at the moment - three would just push me to a bad place.

I feel bad because I have so many friends but never feel that I am there enough for any of them.

I feel bad because I have it so much easier than pretty well everyone I know, but I am struggling. I guess that makes me pretty weak and pathetic.

So, what do I do? I eat. I eat to make myself feel better. I eat for comfort. But I also eat as punishment I think. Punishment for not being the person that I want to be. The kind of mum I want to be, that I should be. Punishment for eating crappy despite knowing what it will lead to.

Already most of my jeans are too tight, and half my clothes I don't want to wear because my stupid podgy tummy sticks out too much. It's depressing, which makes me sabotage myself some more. See - it's all emotional. When I feel down, I eat crappy food. How do I break that cycle?

Once I have the right mindset, I seem to be able to just follow through - but I can't seem to get there recently.  I've been exercising fine - I enjoy exercise. I'm focused on training for this half-marathon and I've been trying out some classes (yoga and pilates so far but I want to try more) at a gym that I won a month membership to. But the eating I can't seem to reign in. I know exactly what I should be doing what I should be eating, and I know I can do it... but I am holding myself back. It's like however crappy I'm feeling on the inside I want to start reflecting on the outside.

I hate feeling this way. I am usually such a happy person. At the moment I don't even feel like myself. 

I'm back!

Things have not been good here. I well and truly fell of the wagon. I was struggling with it in my last post, and soon after that I just gave into it. I stopped caring what I was eating - Easter was coming up and it seemed pointless to even try. I stopped exercising too. Even when you've been doing so well for so long, slipping up happens and it can spiral out of control very quickly. It sucks, yes, but it something I'm just going to have to be aware of to keep myself in line.

Easter is over now. The chocolate is gone and I have a few weeks of really bad eating to put behind me and move on. I feel much better in my mind this time - those last couple of posts I was wanting to get back to it, but I wasn't really 'feeling' it. This time I know I will be. I have renewed motivation, a new goal and some nice visualisations that keep popping into my head (just simple things like seeing myself in 6 month, 12 months time and looking/feeling slim, healthy, happy).

My new goal is a challenge - a friend has asked me if I would like to run a half marathon with her in September. For those of you who don't know, a half marathon is about 21km. If we feel okay with that, there is even the possibility of me maybe considering doing the (full) Melbourne marathon in October. We'll see.

I'm taking it pretty easy - I've been doing a bit of a body-cleanse I suppose. I have had so much crap food recently, ridiculous amounts of it - I need a mini detox. So it's all about fruit and vegetables and water at the moment.

Yesterday was a tough day - sugar withdrawal suck. I felt lethargic and headachey and just generally crappy. I'm feeling much better today, thank goodness. I still haven't started back up with exercise, but I will.

I wish I could say that I will never fall off the wagon again, but to be honest I just don't know. I wish I didn't have issues with food. This is going to be a lifelong struggle, but I know I am never going to be that fat chick again.

JFDI!

*morning* Motivation levels are not high... but I need to snap out of this cycle of I gotten myself into.

I weighed myself this morning - 66kg. Considering a few weeks ago I was down to 62kg, this is not good. It has been almost two weeks since I exercised too. I am in such a slump - in my body, in my mind. I want to be better, but I feel so crappy about myself that I want an immediate pick-me-up to feel better... something sweet from the bakery section at Coles. It only makes me feel better while I'm eating though, then I go back to feeling crappy, except then with added guilt about what I just ate. Stupid cycle.

*evening* So, today was not good. I was in a filthy rotten mood, and while I started the day well and with good intentions, by late morning I had started eating badly, and I continued to do so for the rest of the day. I know I haven't done myself any favours - every extra day I spend acting out my old 'fat habits' is making it harder and harder for myself to get back on track.

Tomorrow is a new day though. I've read back some old posts, trying to muster up some of that motivation - I'm going to need it to get through the next few days, with the sugar withdrawal headaches that I'm bound to be hit with.

I titled this post JFDI - but really it needs to be JFSI! I am punishing myself with food, I need to stop and start looking after myself again.

When you fall down...

...stand up, brush yourself off and just keep on going.

After being so good for so long, I've slipped up. There's no excuse really, I knew what I was doing.

But now it's time to snap myself out of it and get back on track. Like I've said in previous posts, this blog is here for this reason: To help me refocus when I've strayed and think about what is important.

So, once again I will keep a food and exercise diary - just for a week this time. Just long enough to get those habits I had formed up and running again.

I really like how I feel when I'm eating well and exercising. I feel really good about myself, I feel energetic and alive and like I can achieve anything. That feeling is so much better than how I'm feeling at this current moment: fat, bloated, gassy, tired, depleted of energy and a little depressed. I don't like myself at this current moment.

So, up and at 'em tomorrow morning. A run followed by a healthy breakfast... that's a start.

An update: feeling kinda awesome!

I really feel like I've changed, for good. I feel like these new healthy habits are getting more and more ingrained, and as a result becoming much easier to maintain. After my one month challenge I was technically allowed sugar and dairy again, but to be honest I've barely touched both. I've been keeping up with my healthy treats, healthy eating, and still exercise about 6 times a week.

I've had a few little weight loss victories since too. One of the first is being able to comfortably and confidently wear shorts (short shorts) for the first time since I was a kid. This is with my blinding white legs too! It's such a nice feeling - being confident enough to wear something so short but also feeling that you can pull it off! I mean, I'm never going to be one to think I at all compare to those thin things you see in magazines - but for us everyday people, I'm starting to feel really content with how I look.

This morning I jumped on the scales... It read 62.35kg, the lightest I've been in a long, long time. I was 60kg when I got married 7+ years ago, and I'm hoping to reach that in the next month or so. When I do, I think I might even try on my wedding dress - just for fun! I am also teasingly close to having now lost a total of 40kg!!!

I've been keeping up with my exercise. Last week I tried a 'speed run' (where I ran as fast as I could for a short run), and ended up running 3.71km in 17.53 minutes, meaning my average pace was 4.49 per kilometre and my average speed was 12.46km/h. I was buggered by the end, but that's a good thing! A nice challenge! I've since had a cold, so haven't been for a run since. I am feeling much better today though, so went for a walk today, and am planning a run in the morning. I still have my women's 5km on Sunday - I'll pick up my pink t-shirt and race number tomorrow.

I've also been doing some health/weight loss related online shopping... I placed an order through Loving Earth, which I received today. I got two bags of kale chips, some chocolate coconut butter, a variety pack of luvju bars and two different blocks of their chocolate. For those who don't know, Loving Earth is pretty well all organic, raw, naturally sweetened, so quite healthy still - in moderate amounts of course! So far I've only tried a spoonful of the chocolate coconut butter, and OMG... it is GOOD! I can't wait to try everything!

My other purchase was another pair of Black Milk leggings... peacock ones this time. So pretty, and I feel good wearing them. It's so fun and exciting being interested in clothes/fashion again!

Actually, life in general is just fun and exciting! I feel really fit and healthy and happy - my best possible me really!

Day Thirty-One - This is the end my friends

So, here I am at the end of my month. Not that this means a great deal in the grand scheme of things. I'm still planning on eating and exercising like I have been for the past month, the only difference is I won't be blogging about it everyday.

I weighed myself this morning - thought it might be good to see where I started and ended this month. Thirty-one days ago I weighed 70.1kg - having gained 5kg+ over the Christmas/New Year period. That was a big wake up call, a big slap in the face - having put so much work in over the past year, to then relax my eating and exercise (read: fell off the wagon big time) and see the weight pile on so quickly. Not nice, especially when I started having trouble doing up my jeans.
This morning I weighed 64.65kg. So, in the past month I have lost 5.45kg. My weight loss has definitely slowed down, but it is still slowly coming off, and I'm happy with that. It's not a race afterall - it's a lifestyle.

I'll definitely be back and blogging occasionally  when I feel the need. If I need to get myself focussed again, or just want to share an achievement, or an awesome recipe... This is not really the end. To be honest, I don't think my weight loss 'journey' (blergh) will ever end. It's something I'm always going to have to be mindful of. I wish it wasn't that way, but when I find I fall back into old habits so easily if I lose focus. Hopefully one day I can move past it, but I'm aware that this may not be the case. For now, I'm feeling good and focused (yes, even despite my curly wurly slip). Somewhere along the way, this month-challenge thing has just turned into life - this just feels like what I do/eat, not a temporary thing.

I would have loved to go for a run this morning, but it was pouring with rain, so instead I had to resort thirty minutes on the exercise bike. Not my favourite way to exercise, but a good chance to work in some arm/shoulder work too with my dumbells.

Breakfast: CADA (which I had to share with the little miss) and a cup of tea with almond milk.

Morning tea: An apricot fruit leather and some strawberries.

Lunch: A nectarine. A bowl of homemade sweet potato chips (sweet potato cut into chip shapes, coated in olive oil and a little salt and baked in the oven). A fried egg on a piece of wholemeal bread (bakery not homemade).

Afternoon tea: Celery sticks with my hummus and sundried tomato dip. I had a bit of a taste of the chocolate mixture of a new recipe I tried (which I had for dessert), and a choc-mint ball (raw cacao treat balls recipe with added peppermint essence).

Tea: A thin steak and salad (made up of lettuce, carrot, cherry tomatoes, red capsicum, cucumber and cheese).

Dessert/Late night snack: Two choc mint balls. Two small pieces of raw chocolate shortbread. Brand new recipe - it's nice. Interesting. I think it will grow on me, but it's different to what I'm used to. A cup of tea with almond milk.

And that's it. That is my month up. I feel like I should be giving a speech or something, haha! Thank you to anyone who has been following and commenting along the way - your support really means a lot. But like I said, this isn't the end... there isn't an end. The month I told myself I would blog about to get back on track is over, but I will be just be here plodding along. I have a few things coming up that will test me (a bridal shower and a lunch) - yes I'll allow myself to eat whatever, but then making sure I stick with good, clean eating afterwards will be the test. I also have a fun run coming up at the start of March, and I have some other fitness goals in mind that I'll keep working towards.

So, goodbye for now, and I'll talk to you all soon xx

Day Thirty

No exercise today. I slept in this morning (very much needed), and then the day was so hot here that I wasn't keen to go outside. I cleaned the house all day though, so I wasn't sedentary.

Breakfast: I wasn't very organised, so my breakfast ended consisting of lots of lemon balls (about five or six I think).

Morning tea: Corn chips, a strawberry and a nectarine.

Lunch: A rye mountain bread wrap with my tuna spread, red capsicum, roquette and cheese. And the last of the corn chips.

Afternoon tea: A date. I made a dip, trying to replicate something my sister found at the supermarker: hummus and sundried tomato dip. So, I made hummus (garlic, chick peas, lemon juice, oil, salt and pepper and homemade tahini) and then added semi-dried tomatoes at the end. I had a fair bit of it with some rice crackers. Yum! I also had some grapes.

Tea: A rye mountain bread wrap with chicken, mizuna leaves (type of lettuce), tomato fresh from the garden and grated carrot.

Dessert/Late night snack: More rice crackers with the hummus and sundried tomato dip. A cup of tea with almond milk.

Tomorrow is the last day of my month-long blog-a-thon.