The problem. The solution. (Part 1)

The problem:

I don't want to be one of those people who is constantly obsessing about their weight. About what they eat. About their exercise. There is so much more to life... But unfortunately, whenever I stop thinking about it, I fall back into old habits. Once again I have been mindlessly eating, eating for comfort, eating to self-sabotage, eating to the point of feeling sick - which is how I feel right now. Sick. I have a junk food hangover, the runs, I feel sick in the stomach, can taste what I had for tea last night (not in a good way), my lips are dry and I feel all jittery, still hyped up on the ridiculous amounts of sugar.

Obviously, I have some issues to work through. I wish it was as simple as I lose the weight and it stays off - but instead it seems to be getting more complicated. I originally started this blog as a way to work out a way to sustain my weight loss - I'd lost 35kg+, but was having trouble keeping it off because I had fallen back into old habits. Now I'm there again.

I weighed myself this morning - 68.5kg. I've gained 6.5kg over the last month basically. I'm not surprised either with the binge eating I've been doing. What is wrong with me? It really is that I am basically just eating crappy food to the point of feeling sick. Every. Single. Day.

It's all emotional. It's all about my mindset. I have not been coping so well with the whole mum thing recently. The little miss is such a handful - nothing is simple or easy with her. Sleep is hard. Eating is hard. Getting her dressed is hard. Changing her nappy is hard. Leaving the house is hard. Getting her in the car is hard. Getting her to leave somewhere is hard. I'm just so over the screaming.

The little man is not quite as easy as he usually is either - he never wants to leave the house, or eat anything I put in front of him, he asks to watch movies all day long, and he has the a way of making me feel so terribly guilty whenever I tell him off (think of the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes you've ever seen and times it by about ten).

I'm just not coping. The TV is on too much and I am just not living up to my own expectations as a mum. I'm usually so patient, but I'm just not at the moment because I'm already feeling so crappy about myself. Then if I do tell the kids off or raise my voice I feel even crappier and worse about myself... and so the cycle continues.

And that's just the mum thing. I feel lost because hubby and I were sort of TTC without any luck, and now we're not. Which is probably just as well because I'm not coping with two at the moment - three would just push me to a bad place.

I feel bad because I have so many friends but never feel that I am there enough for any of them.

I feel bad because I have it so much easier than pretty well everyone I know, but I am struggling. I guess that makes me pretty weak and pathetic.

So, what do I do? I eat. I eat to make myself feel better. I eat for comfort. But I also eat as punishment I think. Punishment for not being the person that I want to be. The kind of mum I want to be, that I should be. Punishment for eating crappy despite knowing what it will lead to.

Already most of my jeans are too tight, and half my clothes I don't want to wear because my stupid podgy tummy sticks out too much. It's depressing, which makes me sabotage myself some more. See - it's all emotional. When I feel down, I eat crappy food. How do I break that cycle?

Once I have the right mindset, I seem to be able to just follow through - but I can't seem to get there recently.  I've been exercising fine - I enjoy exercise. I'm focused on training for this half-marathon and I've been trying out some classes (yoga and pilates so far but I want to try more) at a gym that I won a month membership to. But the eating I can't seem to reign in. I know exactly what I should be doing what I should be eating, and I know I can do it... but I am holding myself back. It's like however crappy I'm feeling on the inside I want to start reflecting on the outside.

I hate feeling this way. I am usually such a happy person. At the moment I don't even feel like myself. 

I'm back!

Things have not been good here. I well and truly fell of the wagon. I was struggling with it in my last post, and soon after that I just gave into it. I stopped caring what I was eating - Easter was coming up and it seemed pointless to even try. I stopped exercising too. Even when you've been doing so well for so long, slipping up happens and it can spiral out of control very quickly. It sucks, yes, but it something I'm just going to have to be aware of to keep myself in line.

Easter is over now. The chocolate is gone and I have a few weeks of really bad eating to put behind me and move on. I feel much better in my mind this time - those last couple of posts I was wanting to get back to it, but I wasn't really 'feeling' it. This time I know I will be. I have renewed motivation, a new goal and some nice visualisations that keep popping into my head (just simple things like seeing myself in 6 month, 12 months time and looking/feeling slim, healthy, happy).

My new goal is a challenge - a friend has asked me if I would like to run a half marathon with her in September. For those of you who don't know, a half marathon is about 21km. If we feel okay with that, there is even the possibility of me maybe considering doing the (full) Melbourne marathon in October. We'll see.

I'm taking it pretty easy - I've been doing a bit of a body-cleanse I suppose. I have had so much crap food recently, ridiculous amounts of it - I need a mini detox. So it's all about fruit and vegetables and water at the moment.

Yesterday was a tough day - sugar withdrawal suck. I felt lethargic and headachey and just generally crappy. I'm feeling much better today, thank goodness. I still haven't started back up with exercise, but I will.

I wish I could say that I will never fall off the wagon again, but to be honest I just don't know. I wish I didn't have issues with food. This is going to be a lifelong struggle, but I know I am never going to be that fat chick again.